Do you ever feel guilty about money?

Money is one of those things that is so powerful that I don’t think anyone can really get a grip on it.  We could talk about the macroeconomic scale where money influences the course of history, politics, and culture more than any other force on Earth.  Or we could talk in a more local setting, where you relative social worth (in the eyes of many people) is tied to a) how much money you make, b) how much money you have, or c) how you much money you present yourself as having.

I feel guilty or queasy about money when I have to deal my lack of it or asking for it.  Seemingly every month during bill time, I have a minor ulcer of worry as I see the funds from my bank account (which look like a nice safety net) dwindle away as I meet my obligations to creditors and utilities.  I worry about catastrophe, about not having enough to make the next round of bill payments, or, even worse, not having enough money when I get past the working age.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t live paycheck to paycheck in reality, only in emotion.  I have enough socked away for rainy days or gray-haired retirement, but that flux of money still takes on the rollercoaster plunge of stomach discomfort.  And I don’t seem to have any remedy to stop it.

Even when I make more money, through a raise or a tax rebate or whatever, I maintain that level of guilt and agony.  In fact, the act of getting to that point of making more money is just as horrible.  I recently asked for and received a raise and some financial relieve from my employer.  Yet, it was not equitable based on the policies of the company or the agreements we had made.  Now, to my employer’s credit, he has been making things right piece by piece.  Yet, every time I broach the subject of “this is what’s fair” or “we talked about this amount” I feel the sharp tug of guilt and anger.  I just don’t feel like I should be asking for this, whether I deserve it or not.

Maybe this is something that will get easier as I move up the career ladder and my financial rewards are more regimented or in the hands of a broader group of people instead of a single boss.  Maybe I will be able to divorce my wayward and unpredictable emotions from my stalwart and well-honed objective look at what is right and wrong.  Maybe.

By the way, can I borrow a twenty?  On second thought, lending and borrowing money is even worse than asking for it...